Thank you guyz for the encouragement.
What depresses me sometimes is that i read in a lot of forums that it is next to impossible to get big time, and that people just say this and that but you never really make it. one more thing is : i used to have a LOT (beleive me) of musical activity on stage cos when i was 16 and before, i played in a band, played the keys for the choir EVERY DAY in my school, played for lot of competitions, formed my own band and we rocked out and all that.
now, i feel like the world has come to an end! i just feel like it. i dunno how i can explain. i feel like i'm not gonna be living a worthy life at all. sorta afraid of growing up.
now my parents take care of me, but what do i do in return? thats what bugs THE HELL outta me everyday. infact, when i see people going for jobs and they're 16, i feel envious. i feel like junk. thats what. i feel like junk. when i see people in forums talk about how they have singers singing like this and that and how they have good clients and all that "big" talk, i feel envious. i dunno, i just feel like i'm gonna end up nowhere at this rate.
when i was 16 and played with my band (i also did solo), i sat down a day, practiced a lot of runs and set a reminder in my mind saying "this is how you played when you're 16. lets see how better you can play the next time" and now, when i select a rhodes patch and try my playing skills, i dont see any improvement AT ALL, and i've already wasted a freakin year. If i had stayed in india, i would have got my music diploma (ATCL or equivalent) and i would have been satisfied. this must have happened a YEAR ago, cos i finished Gr.8 solo piano in 15. i wasted f**** 2 years doing nothing! the hell with me. i was my piano teacher's favorite student and she made me a role model for everyone and treated me like i belong to her. she prepared me for two different colleges in the same year when i got grade 8 in piano. i cant forget those theory lessons that i took till 11:30 P.M in her house. 11:30, P.M. outta her own interest and she didnt take an extra penny for that. my mom insisted she did, but she was very very reluctant. tell me where i can find another one in this universe like my old piano teacher? if i'd been with her, all my life wouldn't have been wasted. 2 years, i coulda happily played in a cottage piano and i woulda felt confident. even now, it gives me the shudders and makes me angry to think that for two years, i didnt have the oppurtunity to play on hammered keys. i've been spoiling my hands on a feather-light keybed and i bet when i return to india, she;s gonna ask me "sambasevam, did you finish learning that 2nd movement i told you to practice?? "
right now, if someone were to ask me, "alright sonny boy. tell me what you can do in music..." what could i tell them? all i can tell is "i got a Fantom S " and he's gonna go "yeah, for 1400 dollars, what did you do? does the radio play your music? can u play any sonatas in your fantom? "
i dunno what to say. i keep imagining all the time. most of the times, i wish i had the money to get a 88-true hammer action board. most of the time, i'm fooling myselves doing some stupid sequencing and finally it sounds like crap.
guyz, deep apologies for letting my heart out. sometimes, it feels good to tell your problems to someone else. i think i'll feel somewhat better. yes, some people might think that 17 is young and i'm happy if it really is, but that's another point. i've seen kids at age 15 and blasting the s*** outta the piano. see "Malcom in the middle" and Dewey really plays the piano like that, even in his real life.
sorry for the rant....ignore it if you feel its a waste of database space....i've let it all out. now i feel better a little bit.
Sambasevam.S
---------------------------------------------------------------
If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving is definitively not for you.
